Speaking of English

published October 27, 2011

in the Stockton Sentinel

Stockton, Kansas

            It is impressive to know of people who speak several different languages, and are able to converse fluently in each. The foreign exchange students amaze me when, even at their age, they are able to spend a year studying in America, or American students who study abroad. Conversation in a second language is one thing, but being able to read, hear and understand is really quite an accomplishment, at least in my books.

            When I worked at Hesston Corporation, during the era when we were affiliated with Fiat in Italy, I took a crash course in Italian, just to learn some appropriate and “emergency” phrases before I traveled there. The only phrase I remember now, some 30 years later, is “ho mal di testa,” which is Italian for “I have a headache.” Strange how that is the one and only phrase that has stuck in my head!

            We take it for granted, but learning the English language must be very difficult, given our use of words and their spellings. I wonder if other languages have the kind of craziness as the following sentences. Some of you may have seen this in one of those pass-around emails. 

  1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

  2. The farm was used to produce produce.

  3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

  4. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

  5. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

  6. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

  7. I did not object to the object.

  8. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

  9. They were too close to the door to close it.

10. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

11. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

12. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

13. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

14. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

15. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

            In addition, if the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats only vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

But then, we must remember that the English language was invented by people, not computers, so it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.