A family with a lot of hooey

published November 25, 2010

in the Stockton Sentinel, 

Stockton, Kansas

            Every family has their own special characteristics, those traits that genetically tie them together as a family. Some things are more noticeable than others. Some things are good, strong traits, and then there are those you’d rather not mention.

            Other than a few obvious inherited traits such as height, poor eyesight and receding hairlines, my four brothers and I have all tested positive for hooey, and we inherited it from my dad.

            Nearly every person visiting for the first time in the home of my parents is tested to check the amount of hooey they possess. To ensure compatibility, my dad has also checked the level of hooey in each of our spouses. In recent years, he has personally tested the girlfriends and boyfriends that his grandkids have introduced to the family. It’s kind of a rite of passage.  

            Amazingly, some of those guests have actually returned for another visit, and some even married into the family despite having low or no levels of hooey.

            The hooey diagnosis is certainly not scientific, and there is no bloodletting. It is not magic or witchcraft, although some unsuspecting visitors may believe otherwise.

            My dad uses a special instrument to diagnose hooey in a person. It is simply called a hooey stick. A hooey stick is a wooden dowel with a propeller on one end. The dowel has notches or “bumps” on it, and a smaller, second dowel is rubbed briskly over those bumps. In doing so, the propeller begins to spin. As my dad demonstrates it, he says “hooey,” and the propeller quickly changes direction. He says “hooey” again and again, and each time, the propeller changes the direction it is spinning.

            So inevitably, when there is a guest – let’s say a granddaughter introducing a new boyfriend – after dinner my dad will bring out the hooey stick. After demonstrating how it works, he then hands it off to the new boyfriend. And then he watches and waits and laughs as the young man gives it a serious try, only to give up and hand it back to my dad, who quickly gets that little propeller spinning back and forth again. It looks so easy, and sometimes the kid will think he’s figured it out and will take the hooey stick back for a second try. Rarely, if ever, does anyone get it to work, regardless of how many times they try. It would be a wild stroke of luck if any visitor in my parents’ home would ever show any sign of natural-born hooey.

            There’s an old proverb about family that says: “A tree is known by its fruit.” Our family tree is very large with many branches, much good fruit and a whole lot of hooey. I just hope my dad has put in his will who of us will inherit the hooey stick to carry on the family tradition.