Why did the chicken cross the road?

Published November 1, 2012

Stockton Sentinel

Stockton, Kansas

One more week! That’s all that’s left of this campaign cacophony. I’m sorry if any of you are really into all this stuff, but it gets to the point where I don’t care who is elected, let’s just get this over with! Not a single one of them will follow through with all the stuff they “promise” to do anyway!

To keep my sanity, and maybe yours, too, I’ve got typical answers here from politicians and other famous personalities and not-so’s, to one of life’s most basic questions of all time: “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Please hold your tongue in your cheek while you read the following lines.

GRANDPA:  In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARACK OBAMA:  Any chicken that crosses the road is a danger to this country. I will ask Congress to give me unlimited authority to deal with this problem.

MITT ROMNEY:  There are 47% of the chickens that will cross the road, no matter what. It’s not my job to worry about those chickens.

JOE BIDEN:  The chicken crossed the road to steal a job from decent, hard-working Americans.

PAUL RYAN:  You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

AL GORE:  I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way, designed to bring greater services to the American people.

BILL CLINTON:  It depends on what your definition of chicken is. I did not cross the road with that chicken. Could you define chicken please?

RUSH LIMBAUGH:  I don’t know why the chicken crossed the road, but I’ll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I’ll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I’m talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

SARAH PALIN:  Those chickens are our neighbors. I can see those chickens crossing the road from my house.

BARBARA WALTERS:  Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it overcame a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

MARTHA STEWART:  No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer’s market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR. SEUSS:  Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

CAPTAIN KIRK:  To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

COLONEL SANDERS:  I missed one?