Published January 17, 2013
Stockton Sentinel
Stockton, Kansas
Show of hands: How many of you are parents of a child with a cell phone?
Okay, you can put your hands down now. But here’s another question. What are
the rules of behavior that you presented to your child prior to presenting him
or her with that cell phone? Okay, I can tell I lost a few of you there. You
didn’t verbalize any rules of behavior? Oh, I know… your kid is the most
responsible kid you know. But seriously, I hope there are strings attached to
your child’s phone, that you are holding onto the loose end of the strings, and
that, most importantly, your child knows you are holding the strings.
Before I go any further, let me just say that I’m glad I don’t have young
children in this highly-charged digital age. Don’t get me wrong – I love it,
myself. And that’s not to say that we didn’t have our own things to deal with
when we were raising our children. Every generation has a whole new array of
things to worry about when it comes to raising kids. But the digital element
now has more far-reaching effects.
You may have seen the story about Janell Hofmann, a mother of five from Cape
Cod, Mass., who gave her 13-year-old son, Gregory, an iPhone for Christmas. The
phone came with strings attached. Eighteen strings, to be exact, in a written
code of conduct for her son to agree to and sign in order to receive the phone.
Her first order of business: “1. It is my phone. I bought it. I pay for
it. I am loaning it to you. Aren’t I the greatest?”
Mom Hofmann goes on with the list of 17 more expectations, including points
such as: You must share passwords with a parent, answer their calls, hand over
said device early on school nights and a little later on weekend. If it falls
into the toilet, smashes on the ground, or vanishes into thin air, you are
responsible for the replacement costs or repairs. On this, she adds: “Mow a
lawn, babysit, stash some birthday money. It will happen; you should be
prepared.”
She requested that he not text, email or say anything through the device that
he would not say in person, or would not say out loud if his parents were in
the room. Also, the phone does not go to school; instead, have live
conversations with the people you text, so as to develop a life skill. You must
avoid hurtful texts and porn, and do not send or receive pictures of your
private parts or anyone else’s. “Don’t laugh,” Mom writes. “Someday you will be
tempted to do this despite your high intelligence. It is risky and could ruin
your teenage/college/adult life. It is always a bad idea. Cyberspace is vast
and more powerful than you. And it is hard to make anything of this magnitude
disappear—including a bad reputation.”
“Keep your eyes up,” Mom writes. “See the world happening around you. Take a
walk. Listen to the birds. Wonder without googling.”
After listing all 18 points of the contract, Mom finishes the contract by
telling her son, “Most of the lessons listed here do not just apply to the
iPhone, but to life. You are growing up in a fast and ever-changing world. It
is exciting and enticing. Keep it simple every chance you get. Trust your
powerful mind and giant heart above any machine. I love you. I hope you enjoy
your awesome new iPhone. Merry Christmas!”
Gregory agreed to the terms of the contract, and I bet things are going just
fine. Certainly he may mess up. He may get the phone taken away from him.
That’s covered in item 18. But Mom says then “we will sit down and talk about
it.”
Therein lies a very important point for all parents—talk about it. But don’t
wait until something goes horribly wrong or the phone is busted or lost. Talk
about it now and every chance you get. Make sure they know your expectations
and your rules.
And don’t worry about being viewed as a helicopter parent. Spend your time
worrying about what might happen if you don’t have any rules.
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